so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I think that last shot was nyquil. Please come gte me. WINGS.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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