I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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