We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
