Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Tornado booty call.. dedication
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Randomize
