my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My only contacts are booty calls or the club hockey team.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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