There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
Randomize
