Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
Randomize
