i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
Pants are for mortals
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
so i just realized the reason you didn't answer my call last night is because the remote isn't a phone.
Randomize
