i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
1. I'm excited for tonight 2. Do we dress up as pirates? 3. Happy Valentine's Day bae
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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