Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Drinking at 10 in the morning and swimming might not be the best idea I've ever had but it beats working
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