Stoned at DSW. SO MANY SHOES! THEY'RE FREAKING ME OUT.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
How long can I keep it classy to hook up in my old office building? Two more years? Does it get weird after 30?
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
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