I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Randomize
