Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Whoa Z and x make the same sound
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Randomize
