Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
