Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
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