i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
