my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
