My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
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