This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I also woke up in a bed soaked of pee and drunkenly lectured him on the dangers of chewing tobacco... weird night
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
