Can i not drive my cunt home
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
I feel like the first time i have to use my accident insurance its going to be in some sex mishap with you.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
