I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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