Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
