dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
