I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
