I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Randomize
