I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
