It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
