i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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