the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
New major. Tourism Management. I dont know what it is but it sounds like something all the stupid slutty failed business management majors do.
Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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