Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU
I don't want it.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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