Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
So I'm sitting at my desk and Thunderstruck came on my iPod. I then proceeded to drink coffee every time I heard thunderstruck. Who says you don't remember anything from college?
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I need a beard to bite.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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