Your dad touched me again.
so how much must it suck for him to know that the penis of his best man has been in his wife's mouth before?
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
I'm declaring this weekend Captain Morgan weekend
You declare every weekend Captain Morgan weekend...
You just don't understand... :'(
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
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