I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
is there a line between daddy kink and oedipus complex?
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
