Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
How does, "Im sorry I was such an intoxicated bitch, I didn't mean anything I said" sound as an apology.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I may or may not have hooked up with the cop who arrested me.. Or I can cross hooking up with a stripper in a cop outfit off my bucket list.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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