I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm making poor life decisions again. Tune in tomorrow to see how much I hate life.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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