so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
