If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Randomize
