At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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