The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
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