Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
Ill go to bed but tamed sharks isnt so much of a bad idea. Not for riding
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
