Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he wasnt completely random
you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont
i get things done.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
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