i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Just saw a couple do like 5 Sakai bombs and my dad goes "who says love is dead"
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
So I think my neighbor's name is Olli if I'm hearing the girl the girl he's fucking clearly
Randomize
