i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
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