Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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