Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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