Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
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