my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Randomize
