I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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