I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
There's a naked man in my car right now.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
