I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
