she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Taking advantage of alcohol's depressant capabilities to curtail my fever. SCIENCE!
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
